We hear over and over again, in both church and secular society, that divorce is bad. Divorce is hard on children. Divorce breaks families apart and causes economic hardship. For women waking up to the abuse in their marriages, these messages can be excruciating. Divorce is bad but abuse is bad so what option is left to her?
Let me tell you a story.
A couple years ago, I went for a day hike with some friends of mine. I chose a 15-km loop I hadn’t hiked before, although I’d hiked parts of it. Heidi and Serena had other commitments in the morning and Jen needed to sleep late after an evening shift, so we met early in the afternoon to start our hike.
The first part of the trail was easy. We strolled along the wide, gravel path next to the river, admiring the snow-capped mountain in front of us and catching up on life events. After taking some selfies in front of the waterfall, we continued a short distance down the trail and then stopped. The trail seemed to be a dead-end in front of us, but my map indicated that it continued up the slope to connect with another trail.
We spent a good amount of time wandering up and down the trail and trying to find blazes on trees before Serena, who’d ventured partway up the slope, found the remains of the trail under some deadfall. Jen was dubious about the steep, rough climb because she had a bad knee, but Heidi and I helped her pick her way up to Serena and we continued on up the trail.
At the top of the hill, we reached a trail intersection. I glanced at my watch (5 pm) and wondered if we should turn right back to the parking lot. However, Serena and Heidi had already started to the left and were almost out of shouting distance. I figured we were fast hikers (when we had a trail) so we could easily get to the bridge and back along the trail on the other side of the river.
Once over the bridge, however, we found that the trail changed drastically. Instead of a wide, well-marked path, we were walking single-file along a narrow, rooty, twisty path. Jen’s knee began to bother her, causing her to slow down. Darkness fell, so we constantly called out to each other to ensure we were still together, since we couldn’t see each other. My phone battery died because I’d been using a GPS app to track where we were.
At a trail junction, we found a sign pointing two directions: down towards the river and further up into the mountains. We chose the trail down towards the river. Using Serena’s phone as a flashlight, we tried to keep track of blazes on the trees and the less-than-clear trail under our feet. By the time we reached the river, we’d lost the trail.
Staring through the darkness at the river, we realized we needed to make a decision. Because I’d hiked here before, I had a rough idea where we were, even without the map. Following the river downstream would get us back to the parking lot where we’d left my car. We could bushwack back up the hill to the narrow trail we’d been on and try to follow it out. Or we could cross the river to get to the easy, wide path on the other side.
The best option would have been to start our hike earlier in the day so we weren’t out here after dark. A good option would have been to turn back before the bridge and take the easy path back to the parking lot. Nice options would have included better trail conditions and more gear with us. But looking back at those options didn’t help; we were now stuck with bad options. Either we needed to cross a knee-deep river or we needed to follow a difficult trail.
Back to Divorce and Abuse
Facing the choice between divorce and abuse is like facing that difficult decision on that dark night. Both options are scary. The best option would have been to not marry an abuser, but hindsight about all the red flags we missed back then doesn’t help us. Now that we’re in this dark situation, we have to figure out what to do.
The answer to that question will depend on a lot of factors. Do you have children with your abuser? Do you have a support system? How bad do you think the abuse is? Do you have the financial ability to support yourself? Do you know anyone else who’s been through this? Are you also dealing with physical health or mental health issues? These and so many other questions will affect your decision — or even your inability to make a decision.
For example, when my therapist first told me my husband was abusive and wasn’t likely to change and I should leave, I nodded. Yes, of course, that’s what I should do. I told my mom and made a plan to get out… and then my husband talked me into returning home and trying to fix our marriage. It took me many more years and two more tries to leave my abusive relationship. During that time, I built a support network, continued therapy, and addressed some health issues, so that when my third opportunity to escape came, I was able to take it successfully.
Finding the Strength to Choose
When I told my friends we needed to get over the river to the much easier trail, I knew I could do that. I’d been hiking with my parents in the Rocky Mountains since I was five. While many of our overnight trips were lots of fun, others were disastrous. I’d been carried across rivers by my dad because there weren’t bridges. We’d pitched tents in the middle of the trail more than once because we were lost. Mom had cooked whatever she could find for us because someone was on the verge of hypothermia. We’d faced bad weather, bad blisters, bad flus and more out in the mountains and forests.
Those experiences taught me strength and resilience. I learned to keep hiking when you can, to stop when you can’t, to deal with what’s most pressing immediately. So when I was faced with a river to cross to get us to a good trail and back home again, I crossed that river. When I was faced with the reality that my husband was abusing both myself and my children and I needed to take steps to protect us, I did that. I knew it would be hard but I knew I could do it, because I’d done hard things before.
I didn’t find that strength overnight, though. There were long years when I tried to avoid making that decision, which meant staying in the abuse. Not making a decision is also a decision, because nothing changed or got better while I metaphorically stood by the river, fearing the water.
If you are also trying to make a decision between bad and worse, here are some things that can help:
- Build a good support network, include a therapist and close friends who understand your situation and can give you good advice (not judgemental or biased advice).
- Take care of yourself. You cannot make good decisions when you are exhausted or hangry or otherwise overwhelmed. You may have to deal with other issues (like health or finances) before you can face this decision.
- Practice doing hard things. This could be standing up for yourself to your spouse, doing self-care even if he doesn’t approve of it, or sharing your story (carefully) with someone who could help.
- Start a journal. Documenting what is going on in your life and how you feel about it can help bring clarity to your situation.
- Pray for wisdom. Seek God’s will and trust that he truly cares about you and your children and wants what is best for you.
Make Small Decisions
In Frozen 2, Anna ends up lost and alone and grieving Elsa’s death. She could give up completely, but she knows she needs to finish what she and Elsa began. She sings, “Can there be a day beyond this night? I don’t know anymore what is true. I can’t find my direction, I’m all alone.” The answer she comes to is to just take the next step:
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won’t look too far ahead
It’s too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath
This next step
This next choice is one that I can make
Sometimes, making a big decision (like leaving your abuser) is too much right now. Can you make one small decision? Maybe that decision is to get a therapist who can help you find clarity in your relationship struggles. Maybe that decision is to get a part-time job to either help ease the financial burden on your family or allow you to leave (if it becomes necessary).
Like Anna, look one step ahead. You’re not ready to tackle the rock giants or the knee-deep river, but you can do something small that would move you towards a better space. Imagine what a better space could look like and how you could get there, and then take that small step in the right direction.
When Others Disagree with Your Decision
When we stood on that river, Jen didn’t want to cross it. She knew that with her bad knee, picking her way over uncertain footing in deep water could be difficult. However, Serena and Heidi agreed with me that we needed to do this, and we helped Jen get across safely.
Maybe, if you’d been standing on the bank of that river with the choice between crossing to find an easier trail or staying here to find a harder trail, you’d have stayed. Maybe you’d have made sure you had more flashlights and better maps and more gear. Maybe you’d have done things differently than I did, because of your past experience and knowledge. And I won’t say you’d be wrong.
Each of us brings our own knowledge and experience and struggles to the decisions we make. My past experiences made me certain that we could get across the river; Jen’s health problems made her doubt that. As you face the choice between staying in an abusive relationship and trying to escape it, you are also dealing with all the messages you’ve heard about this, your past trauma, other factors in your current situation, and more. I can’t tell you what’s best for you to do, because I don’t know all of that.
We all know the saying about walking a mile in another person’s shoes, but the truth is, nobody can actually do that. Even if you are my best friend and have told me everything about yourself and your situation, I don’t know exactly what you are feeling or going through. I can give you my best advice, based on what I know about you and your situation and my experience, but in the end, it’s your decision… and I will love you and support you whether you follow my advice or not.
Others may not be willing to offer that love and support. I have been judged by friends who disagreed with my decision to leave my abuser. While I know they never saw the abuse I lived with, and I cannot fully explain to them why leaving was the best of the bad options, their judgment still hurts. I’ve had to learn to let that go and to trust myself.
Go Ahead and Decide
I’ve often wished God would speak to me as clearly as he spoke to others in the Bible. For example, when Hagar tried to leave the first time, he told her to go back, and when she tried to leave the second time, he told her to go with his blessing. When I tried to leave the first and second time, was his answer also “No” or “Wait”? And when the time was right, did he say, “Now go”? In hindsight, it seems that clear… but at the time, it was hard to decide.
If you read this article hoping for a concrete answer, a solid “do this to reach that,” or a formula that would help you make a decision, then you’re likely disappointed now. I’ve learned that life isn’t usually like that. Sometimes there are clear decisions in front of us but more often, decisions are made with fear and trembling – and then either affirmed or regretted later. What I want to do here is to empower you to make a decision, to move forward, even if it’s just one step.
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