I don’t know why I picked up the bookstore flyer that day, as I usually dropped any junk mail straight in the recycling bin. As I flipped the pages, one title caught my eye: The Emotionally Destructive Relationship. I’d tried numerous marriage books over the last decade and none of them had helped improve my relationship. This one looked different. I ordered it, hid it as soon as it arrived, and then binged through it. Leslie Vernick’s words left me feeling seen and heard and, despite the certainty that I was indeed in an emotionally destructive relationship, I felt hope.
One of the hardest aspects of abuse is its invisibility. Many forms of abuse are subtle and hard to see, even for the victims themselves. Abusers put on good facades for the community and groom not just their victims but everyone around the victim to trust them and believe them. This leaves the victims feeling confused, helpless, and unseen.
A huge part of healing from abuse is being seen and heard. Having your feelings validated can mean a lot. Knowing for sure that this is abuse, that you are not crazy, that it’s not your fault, are big steps towards getting help and healing from abuse.
Healing Comes from Being Seen
Tina Swithin, a single mom and founder of One Mom’s Battle, says, “Healing doesn’t come from a court ruling. It doesn’t come from a piece of paper. It often comes from being seen. From having your experience validated by others who truly understand. It can come from no longer having to convince anyone of your truth. It can come from knowing your truth or standing firm in your truth and often, that truth is solidified in community” (OMB email May 19, 2025).
This is why it matters so much for victims of abuse to be supported, to access therapy, to find support groups. This is why our Catholic parishes need to be abuse- and trauma-informed, so that when someone comes to them saying, “My husband treats me badly” or “My marriage is so confusing,” the priest or parish staff or even fellow parishioners can connect them with resources and supports and show them the love they need, instead of simply adding to the weight of their confusion and hurt.
One of the first times I tried reaching out for help was during confession on an Opus Dei retreat. I was at a very low point in my marriage then, struggling with depression and hopelessness. The retreat was a desperately needed break from my abuser, even while I worried about leaving my children with him for those three days.
On the second day of the retreat, I signed up for confession. Kneeling before the priest, I mustered up my courage and said, “Father, my husband is emotionally abusive and I’m struggling so much right now–”
The priest stopped me. “I don’t know what you mean by emotional abuse.”
His words crushed me to the floor. I don’t remember what I said to the priest or what he said after that. All I remember was stumbling out of that confessional and, despite the priest’s invitation to return the next day, never talking to him again. I wasn’t in a space to be able to define emotional abuse, much less come up with examples from my own marriage to prove what I was struggling with. I just needed to be seen and heard right then, and instead, I was once more made invisible and marginalized.
Victims Are Often Silenced
That wasn’t the first time I’d reached out for help and been shut down. Since the second year of my marriage, when I dragged my ex-husband on a Marriage Encounter retreat, I’d been looking for answers. Trying to understand why marriage was so hard and painful. I reached out again and again to friends, to books, to marriage courses, to counselors. And often, the answer I was given put the blame on me. I needed to pray more. I needed to submit to him. I needed to use “I” phrases. I needed to meet his needs. I needed to be less.
That advice ignored the abuse and enabled my abuser. It invalidated my experience of pain and hurt. It added to my burden of confusion and shame. It made me feel unseen and unheard.
There are numerous ways in which victims are silenced in both the Catholic Church and in society. Those who, like me, tentatively reach out for help in confusing situations are often given advice that worsens the abuse and shuts down further questions. Those who know for sure that they are abused and try to speak out to receive justice (and prevent harm to others) may be ostracized, questioned, or even blamed for their abuse.
In society, we see high-profile cases of abuse make huge headlines and garner comments and opinions from crowds of people. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell who is right and who is wrong. Other times, despite strong evidence of abuse, the abuser is allowed to walk free while the victim continues to face disparagement and harassment for even bringing up the abuse. For any woman watching silently, and seeing the abuse in her home mirrored in the high-profile abuse case, these stories cause hopelessness. If such obvious abuse is overlooked, then what chance does she ever have of being seen and heard?
In the church, victims are often pushed towards forgiveness and reconciliation, whether or not there is repentance and penance on the part of the abuser. Women are told not to hold onto grudges or bitterness, to let God be the judge, to forgive seventy times seven times. This advice twists Scripture into a tool for the abusers to silence their victims. Forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation; forgiveness does not absolve consequences or remove the need for penance; and forgiveness does not lessen pain or erase what happened. The church needs to listen to and protect victims, rather than silencing them.
How to Find Those Who Will Hear You
Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Relationship was the start of my journey out of abuse and into healing, not just because she described exactly what my relationship was like, but because she made me feel seen and heard. This helped me have the courage to reach out to two other Catholic women who’d gone through divorce, who heard my story and validated my pain. They supported me not only emotionally but also physically, giving me concrete tips and advice to continue my journey.
I later approached two other priests with my story, because both of them had addressed abuse from the pulpit. Their willingness to bring up this topic in public let me know that they would see me and hear me in private, and I was right. Both of them affirmed my choice to leave my ex-husband, to say no to the abuse, and to protect my children. Both of them supported me spiritually, physically, and emotionally as I dealt with post-separation abuse, single parenting, and finding healing after abuse.
I found online and in-person divorce support groups where I could connect with other women who were facing the same struggles that I was. Sometimes, we shared advice with each other based on our past experience, our “been there, done that” knowledge. Sometimes, all we could do was offer a listening ear to each other, a rosary, a virtual hug and assurance that we’ve been there too and know their pain. Often, that was enough – just to know that I wasn’t alone in my battles and struggles, that these women knew what I was facing.
I also found a therapist who was both Catholic and a single mom herself. She had walked the same path that I had and then turned around to heal those still walking through it. Her wisdom, advice and support were deeply helpful in the confusion and struggles that I faced in walking through divorce and annulment.
More Resources to Support You
This post contains affiliate links; as Amazon associates, we earn a small commission from purchases made via these links.
If you are feeling lost and alone in facing abuse, divorce, and annulment, please check out our resources page. I strongly recommend reading either Leslie Vernick’s book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage or Natalie Hoffman’s book Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse.
I also recommend plugging into a support group, either online or locally. Hope’s Garden is an online Catholic community to support women seeking healing from abuse. Flying Free is a community for Christian women escaping abuse, led by Natalie Hoffman. Leslie Vernick offers Conquer courses to help women grow and heal. DivorceCare has local chapters at various Protestant churches. Or reach out to your own archdiocese to see what support they offer.
Leave a Reply