The first time I tried to leave my abusive husband, I had only one person to support me: my mom. While she’d left my dad due to his abuse and fully supported my reasons for leaving, her circumstances were very different from mine. My dad had simply let her walk away; my ex-husband pressured me to return, promising to work on our marriage. In the face of that pressure, with small differences cropping up between my mom and I, and no other support, I gave in and went back.
Looking back at that after I was able to successfully escape seven years later, I wonder if I could have left then if I’d had more support. At that time, I hadn’t even known any other single Catholic moms. My friends all appeared to be happily married, so it was difficult to explain to them why my marriage problems were different than theirs.
When I did finally leave my abuser, I’d found a tribe of other Catholic women who’d also left abusive relationships. One friend in particular was able to spend time supporting me, answering my questions, and giving me advice. Because of her, I had the courage to see my abuse as abuse and go to the police over it. I had the courage to tell the truth to my Catholic community, who actually rallied around me and provided me with meals, childcare, and more during the first months of my separation.
Abuse is difficult. It is mentally, emotionally, and physically stressful. Whether you stay or leave, if you have children with your abuser, you will be dealing with him for years to come. (If you do not have children together, it will be much easier for you to leave, but you should still have support.) You need people who support you, hear you, love you, and pour into your life so that you have the strength to face your abuser.
Here’s how you find or build those supports for yourself.
Talk to a Therapist
Start by finding a personal therapist. You should look for a therapist who is trauma- and abuse- informed. Your therapist doesn’t need to be Catholic, although if you can find a good Catholic therapist, they may be able to understand the subtle nuances of spiritual abuse as well as other forms of abuse and also support you as you go through the annulment process.
This is your therapist, not a marriage therapist. Many of us try marriage counseling to fix our broken relationships, but if you suspect there is abuse present in your relationship, then couples therapy is not recommended and may even be harmful and unethical. Therapist and bestselling author Leslie Vernick says, “If you can’t be totally, 100% honest with what’s going on at home, without a price to pay, don’t go to marriage counseling.”
Your diocese may have a list of local Catholic therapists who can help. You can also try browsing Catholic Therapists to find someone near you (or someone who offers virtual therapy).
If this list feels overwhelming, please remember that these are meant to be helpful tips. Pick one person on this list who could help you today and reach out. Come back another day to take a few minutes to reach out to someone else, or book an appointment, or do some research on another professional who can help you. Building your support network won’t happen overnight, but these are all people who can help you through this season of life.
Hire a Lawyer
Separation and divorce are both complicated and confusing. There are numerous things that need to be sorted out, from separating assets to determining a parenting plan. Your lawyer is your guide through the legal side of these things, answering questions about what needs to happen and how it needs to happen.
Many lawyers offer free consultations, so you can meet them for an hour to ask questions and determine whether you think they can help you. Look for a lawyer who has experience in domestic violence and makes you feel seen and heard.
Talk to Your Priest
As your spiritual father, your priest should know what is going on in your life and offer you his prayers and guidance. Unfortunately, many priests are not abuse-informed and may not be able to understand what you are facing. You may have to approach your priest carefully to determine whether he’s able to support you or not.
Based on your priest’s homilies, you may have an idea about his views on marriage and divorce. I’ve only ever heard two priests address abuse from the pulpit; because of that, I felt safe telling them my situation, and they have both supported me. You may try to bring up abuse in the confessional to see how your priest reacts to it before speaking to him face-to-face.
Hire a Divorce Coach
If you’ve endured years of verbal and emotional abuse, even talking with your husband may feel overwhelming and frightening. Your therapist can help you begin rebuilding your self-worth and self-confidence and react less to triggers. Your lawyer can help you feel confident that you know what to do next. A high-conflict divorce coach is another person (usually cheaper than your lawyer) who can help you respond to your husband’s aggressive attacks.
As you prepare for separation or navigate your separation, do you best to have all conversations with your husband in writing. Use emails, text messages, or co-parenting apps to discuss the kids’ needs. Limit verbal communication as much as possible. This gives you time to consider his messages and discuss them with your therapist or coach before responding to him, and helps ensure you respond to him from a place of calm instead of a place of anger or fear.
If you can’t afford a divorce coach, AimeeSays is an AI support for women in abusive relationships that offers very similar advice. You can ask Aimee questions or have her review emails / text messages from your abuser, and Aimee with suggest responses.
Talk to Your Doctor
Any form of abuse has severe and lasting health consequences, impacting both your mental and physical health. In my abuse support groups, most of us are dealing with health issues, from minor depression to major autoimmune disorders. Many of us can trace the beginnings of these health problems back to sometime in our abusive marriage, as our body tried unsuccessfully to cope with the stress we were living under.
Your doctor can help. He or she should know about any forms of abuse you are enduring. If you have been physically abused, even if it feels minor, tell your doctor. You should also discuss any symptoms of depression, anxiety, or PTSD with your doctor, as these can be common during separation and divorce. If you feel unable to function or take care of yourself, your doctor can prescribe medication to help you manage life while you work on other aspects of your healing.
Reach Out to Your Community
Reaching out for help is often very difficult. Many of us feel alone in our struggles, because it looks like everyone around us has a perfect marriage. The reality is that nearly everyone is dealing with some struggle, and reaching out to ask for help can be an opportunity not only for them to help you but also you to help them.
Some parishes have support groups for single moms or for families facing divorce. If your parish doesn’t, look around at other parishes in your area or reach out to your diocese. If there are no local support groups, try online support groups such as Momentum (Catholic single mom’s group) or Flying Free, DivorceCare, Hagar’s Sisters, or Conquer (non-denominational Christian support groups).
A few trusted friends who know your situation and can listen when you need to rant or ask for prayers can make a huge difference. Others who have walked through separation, divorce and abuse already can help give you advice and encouragement from their own experience.
Angela suggests, “Lean on people you already know who are in your corner. Learn who is with you and who isn’t. Grieve who is not in your corner and does not understand, but don’t focus on that primarily.” If a friend is not able to support you where you are now (and continues to give you unhelpful advice or judges you for leaving your abuser), then set some boundaries and seek other friendships.
Find Financial Supports
One of the most difficult aspects of separation and divorce is finances. You and your ex-husband are now trying to maintain two homes. You will likely have legal fees to pay. Therapy, coaching, childcare and other needs also cost money. All of this can feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve been a stay-at-home mom without your own income source.
There are supports available to you, but you need to be willing to ask for help. For example, my priest helped pay for my daughter’s Catholic school tuition for the first two years of my separation. I was also able to apply for and receive a bursary for her from the school. If your children attend a Catholic or private school that charges tuition, approach the school about your situation and ask for help.
Reach out to your local St. Vincent de Paul group. My local group supported me not only with a monthly food hamper, but also with occasional cash gifts and Christmas presents for my kids.
Find a Local DV Organization
Most cities have a domestic violence organization, and in some states, these organizations are run by the local Catholic archdiocese. For example, in Toronto, Catholic Family Services offers a program that “focuses on providing a safe and supportive environment to abused women and their families.” Google “DV organization” and your city name and then reach out for help. Even if you are not being physically abused, they should have resources or support they can offer to you.
Ann Marie says, “I got a lot of support initially from my local DV center, which prior to my separation I didn’t even know existed. I got an individual counselor, did group counseling, and even got financial support over the holidays to buy the kids Christmas gifts.”
There may also be other organizations that offer supports to families facing divorce, even if abuse is not present. Try searching “supports for families navigating life transitions” in your city. For example, families in Toronto can access Families in Transition (FIT), “a voluntary service supporting the emotional well-being of children and adults who are experiencing significant change brought on by separation/divorce. Our professional staff works with families to find solutions, explore options using a variety of tools and approaches that promote the emotional well-being of children and their parents.”
Arrange Childcare
One of the hardest parts of separation and divorce is navigating all of this stress, trauma and change while also parenting your children. It’s hard to be a good parent while you’re dealing with abuse and stress, and your children likely need more attention from you to help them deal with the transitions in their lives too.
Ask for help. If you have family members in town, ask them to take care of your kids, even for an hour or two, so that you can attend appointments or take care of yourself. Arrange play dates with your kids’ school or church friends. Use the drop-in childminding at your local recreation center.
Julie notes, “I’ve had friends and family help me out with just taking the kids for the day so I can hear myself think. At first it helped me grieve, then work, now travel. Those people are also support folks for my kids. It’s been good to have other adults my kids can trust.”
If your children have special needs, it’s even more important that they have extra support and you have a break. Ann Marie recommends finding a respite program, saying, “Through all of my adventures with 18+ providers, I discovered a free respite program which took in my ADHD/ODD son for three weeks so that I could catch a break. We were able to use the program once every six months.”
You Are Not Alone
Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. You may feel alone, scared, uncertain, confused, angry, and more. Knowing that there are people around you who will help you navigate this transition in your life, and find safety, can make a huge difference. If you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, start building this safety network before you leave. If you’ve already left your abusive relationship, review this list to see if there’s any other support available to you.
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