Most people have heard of annulment or have an idea that the Catholic Church has their own “divorce process.” Despite this, annulment remains one of the most confusing parts of Catholic teachings, and misunderstandings and misinformation abound. Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing is a slender, easy-to-read book about annulment that helps demystify why the Church requires this and what applicants can gain from the annulment process.
The spirituality of the annulment process is all bound up with healing, but it makes sense only within a relationship with God. ~ Dennis and Kay Flowers
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Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing: an overview
Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing is divided into two parts: Process and Healing.
Part One: Process answers frequently asked questions, addresses why the annulment process is necessary, provides advice on finding a procurator or advocate, offers support helps, and looks at how this process affects non-Catholics.
Part Two: Healing helps applicants face reality, forgive, find closure, and talk about the process with their children.
Divorce is an inherently painful process. “It’s great to know you can come through a process that is painful and difficult, and come out victorious on the other side because of the healing presence of God.” ~ foreword
What is Annulment?
Dennis and Kay are honest that the annulment process is difficult for many reasons. However, this process is meant for healing. It is primarily difficult because it is not easy for us to look at our failings or to review painful periods of our lives, and this is what the entire process requires us to do. However, within that emotional pain is also the seeds of healing, forgiveness, and grace.
They note, “The Catholic annulment process can helps Catholics and non-Catholics alike who seek inner healing from emotional abuse and painful memories after a broken marriage. However, because of its unique purpose and procedure, the annulment process itself carries an additional emotional drain.”
The book does not focus much on the process itself, beyond briefly explaining the tribunal, witnesses, fees, etc in their FAQs. They do spend time explaining the why, because many of us have asked why the Church would require this painful process. We may also wonder how the annulment is different than a legal divorce. Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing explains:
The annulment looks at whether the initial consent was flawed and therefore the expected marriage bond did not occur.
An annulment says that because the marriage had no content as God intended, there was no contract to begin with.
Dennis and Kay explain that while annulment requires looking back, its purpose is to help applicants move forward:
The two-fold purpose of an annulment is to discern whether or not this marriage was truly binding in nature, and then to help the wounded parties understand what happened, so they can be healed of their past pain and able to avoid making the same mistakes in their future marriage.
This is also why it helps to have people walk through this process with us. Beyond the procurator or person who helps you prepare your annulment case for the tribunal, the Flowers recommend other supports, including nature, weekend retreats, close friends, Bible reading, writing, counseling and more. They also encourage applicants to pray and to seek God, knowing that God knows what we have experienced.
Dennis and Kay suggest reaching out to others who have gone through the process before: “Possibly one of your best sources for support, however, is from someone who has already obtained an annulment and found healing in the process. This is a person who can truly empathize and encourage you. In your trials, God comforts you so that you in turn can then truly comfort others.” This is one of the missions of MaggieYouville.com. (If you’d like to share your annulment story with others to encourage them, please send us an email.)
Finding Healing in Your Annulment
The second half of the book is devoted to how the annulment process can help you find healing after the end of your marriage. This process begins by facing reality as you honestly answer the essay questions on your annulment application: “When answered truthfully, these essay questions force you to take a good look at reality, and to admit your own part in shaping it.” The Flowers provide an example of one man who ended his marriage due to his spouse’s addiction to her career, but had to recognize the ways in which he enabled that addiction during their relationship.
Even if your marriage ended due to your spouse’s abuse and he is 90% at fault, there is likely still areas where you need to grow and learn. This can be empowering if you have treated yourself as a victim of your spouse’s abuse, because you can take ownership of the areas you failed and learn to avoid becoming a victim again. Dennis and Kay note, “By assuming responsibility for your own life in the past, you can also gain control of your future. You don’t want the same forces of conflict to be present in your next marriage.”
Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing spends three chapters on what forgiveness is and how you can forgive others and yourself. They explain that “the key to emotional healing is learning to forgive.” They address what forgiveness is and is not and note that forgiveness “does not change the offender; it changes you.”
The Flowers then look at how an annulment can offer you closure on your past relationship. They acknowledge that this process will require letting go and grieving, and recommend giving yourself time to do this. However, once you’ve done that, you can look ahead and start over.
True healing begins when you choose God’s joy and freedom over the burden of carrying past mistakes. Healing continues when you attempt reconciliation by learning the choice of forgiveness, when you reach out in love to help others and in so doing work through your own grief, and when you can finally become grateful for what happened in the past as you see yourself growing in grace.
Finally, Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing looks at how you can talk about this entire process with your children, who are also feeling hurt and confusion over what has happened to their family. They recognize that patterns of dysfunction learned in our families of origin can continue into our own families if we do not take time to heal. They also acknowledge generational abuse. They recommend family counseling, working towards your own healing, and speaking gently and honestly wit your children about their fears and feelings.
More about Dennis and Kay Flowers
Dennis is Roman Catholic and Kay belongs to the Alliance Church. They first encountered the annulment process when they were dating, as Kay was divorced and was required to have her first marriage annulled before marrying Dennis. They attend each other’s churches regularly and are active in Cana II (a seminar for those beginning second marriage) and Couples Ministry (a pre-marriage program for engaged couples). They are also authors and live on a small farm in Ohio, USA.
Catholic Annulment, Spiritual Healing is available on Amazon.
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